Monday, May 2, 2011

Osama Bin Laden Swims with the Fishes

Yes, I heard the news last night, just like everyone else.  Let me try and summarize all the reports I’ve heard or read between then and now.
First of all, I was watching the season premier of In Plain Sight on USA Network, so my show didn’t get interrupted by either a ticker across the top or bottom of the screen, a stern sounding voice telling me my program was about to be interrupted by 10 seconds of the Presidential Seal looking all bold and, well, Presidential, followed by an actual human being who may or may not have been the President, and who might or might not, have looked particularly presidential, depending on the media’s current perception of appearance, and whichever of the white house aides in charge of making people look presidential…or not… happened to be on hand.
What I got was my wife telling me someone was telling her that Obama was dead, and I need to switch to CNN RIGHT NOW!  Instead, while looking CNN up on my channel guide, and discovering it was practically within walking distance – Channel 29 to USA’s 32 – I clicked on a more accessible local station’s news link and learned to my great relief that it was OSAMA and not OBAMA who was dead, not that the Navy Seals given credit for this accomplishment shouldn’t be praised regardless of which of the two targets was ‘disappeared with extreme prejudice’, but rather because the sudden reality of it all is that if Obama had been assassinated, Joe Biden would be President, and that thought gave me really bad flashbacks to November, 1963.  Fortunately the message to my wife was a typo, and Obama was alive, and well, and taking all the credit in living color over on the aforementioned CNN where Wolf Blitzer was already chilling the bubbly for Obama’s re-election party.
Meanwhile, a number of interesting stories have surfaced.  Everyone agrees that Osama (not Obama) is dead.  Beyond that, no one seems to agree.
One source (Obama) says he (Obama) personally directed and authorized the operation which he named, but I forget what he called it, and that an elite unit of black ops Navy Seals engaged in a carefully planned firefight which resulted in Osama’s death, that of one of his children, and another casualty, but no civilians were harmed during the filming of this pre-campaign commercial and no American servicemen were injured, and that these same Navy Seals ‘had custody’ of Bin Laden’s body and were returning to the US with the aforementioned Bin Laden in hand.  Obama assured the American people that Osama’s body would be treated respectfully in accordance with Muslim law and tradition, something we somehow forgot to do with Saddam Hussein, but back when that happened, the President of the US wasn’t more concerned with offending Muslims than Americans, so that could explain it.
Another story says Dubya was in office when Bin Laden was killed in a bomb blast (still at the hands of Navy Seals, who, it seems, use their title ‘Navy Seals’ as misdirection to trick the bad guys into thinking that because they are NAVY seals, they only work in water), his body brought back to the US, and kept in a giant ice chest next to the Bud Light for ten years.
All they agree on at this point is that in accordance with Muslim law and tradition, the desert rat was buried at sea.  Either that, or the crack team of Elite Seals accidentally dropped his dead sorry terrorist butt in the Mariana Trench and the whole burial at sea is just as cover story which may or may not have been accomplished with the aid of Somali Pirates or possibly Captain Jack Sparrow in exchange for a Royal Pardon.
And, of course, there is this photo of the dead guy’s face, which is so obviously photoshopped (the photo) that it could have been done by a 12 year old with a hacked copy downloaded from Bittorrent.
And with all this coverage, no one in the media has latched on to the curiously conspicuous timing of this week’s events. Which include the sudden appearance of the President’s birth certificate – just in time for another run for office, and the death of America’s Favorite Terrorist, the man you Love to Hate, Osama Bin Laden, for which Barack Hussein Obama is making certain the world, or at least voting Americans, registered or not, Americans or not, know he made it all happen, and may perhaps even have pulled the trigger.  And no one in the media finds the timing of these events in the least curious!  They would rather try to take our minds off of issues like this by posting questions on social media web sites asking if we’d like to see Obama’s mug shot taken, one assumes, just before he swam with the fishes.
I’m not normally a conspiracy theorist, although I am by nature a bit cynical, and frankly, this whole things smells too much like a street vendor selling herring sandwiches on the boardwalk at Zandvoort for my liking.  Methinks I smell a rat that someone is trying very hard to hide beneath sealskins and salt water.
And isn’t burial at sea a military honor, not to be confused with walking the plank?
I think perhaps the American People have had a fast one pulled on them, and Barry and Joe are laughing at us all while enjoying a fine glass of 75 year old single malt and a good Cuban cigar in the Oval Office.  And oh, by the way?  In Plain Sight rocked, Mary Kicked butt, and Marshall is way too tall for Mary’s overly conspicuous sun-faded navy blue ’67 ‘stang.
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